captainryan: (Apologetic)
[personal profile] captainryan
Yesterday was the anniversary of his men’s death.
(He’s a real Nowhere Man)
Today is the anniversary of his.
(Sitting in his nowhere land)
He can deal with it better. Whereas yesterday he downed half a bottle of whiskey in a very short time, today he throws himself into his training. Bad intelligence led to his men’s deaths. His own death was a fluke.
(Making all his nowhere plans for nobody)
A lucky shot by Cooper was all it took. If he hadn’t been distracted by that blasted dog, if he killed it earlier in the evening, been a little less concerned about hitting Wells-
(Doesn’t have a point of view)
Everything would be different.
(Knows not where he’s going to)
He failed, he thinks. Not his country; they had their werewolf. Not his men; there’s little he could’ve done about bad Intel (though he certainly wouldn’t mind getting his hands on Megan).
(Isn’t he a bit like you and me?)
He failed himself.
(Nowhere Man, please listen)
He’ll be damned if he lets it happen again.
(You don’t know what you’re missing)
Never mind that he’s technically dead. He can’t tell unless he’s too long from Milliways. He’s got two missions coming up. He’ll have many more before he goes…where ever he’s going. And he’s going to do them all right.
(Nowhere Man, the world is at your command)
So he throws himself into his training, running, sparring, shooting, burning old muscle and building new. He works with Damocles, more for his own benefit than the dog’s. The next time a dog attacks him it’ll be dead that much sooner.
(He’s as blind as he can be)
But there’s one other thing he needs to change, something that’s been nagging at him since he died. He’s grown attached to people here, to the point where he thinks of them as family. It’s always made him a bit uncomfortable because he knows how much family can hurt. Is reminded every time something happens to them.
(Just sees what he wants to see)
He doesn’t want to stop caring about them completely. He doubts he can. He just wants to put a little more distance between them. It’ll be easy enough to do, he suspects. Suzi he's barely seen. Deitmar's come in maybe once in the past three months and, plainly speaking, the pup’s never been big on caring anyway.
(Nowhere Man, can you see me at all?)
He has to wonder if he’s lost them completely. Their conversations are few and far between, when they even have them, and don't consist of anything consequential. Still, it’ll be best for all of them if their ties keep loosening.
(Nowhere Man, don’t worry)
It’s what he tells himself, anyway. Whether he truly believes it or not is a moot point. They're not there to prove him wrong. Even if Deitmar and Suzi started showing up more, he knows they can take care of themselves quite well. They don’t need him. They never did.
(Take your time, don’t hurry)
It’s always been the other way around.
(Leave it all till somebody else lends you a hand)
That, more than anything, is what he wants to change. If he doesn’t have anyone to worry about, then he doesn’t have anyone to rely upon. He becomes self-sufficient again, confident in his own abilities. There’s no one to hurt him and no one to keep him from what he is.
(He’s a real Nowhere Man)
He wasn’t lying when he told Cooper he was a soldier. He is, and a damn good one at that.
(Sitting in his nowhere land)
He’s determined to keep it that way.
(Making all his nowhere plans for nobody)


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captainryan

August 2009

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